A season of change

I need to talk about my best friend Sara.

First of all she is GORGEOUS.  No one should be allowed to have her eyes AND lips.  One or the other would do fine.  She has both.
Secondly, she has the most perseverance for giving than any one person needs.  She has this almost magical ability to pour, unabashedly into her friends and family - even when they don't deserve it.  She spends her days thinking about how to be more for the people in her world.  Even when they aren't more for her.  She doesn't do this to be a martyr, or to win people over or out of any desperation to be liked.  She does it because she is Sara.  It's in every atom in and around her.  She emits peace even when she is a torrent inside.  Her capacity for empathy would sink any other person.  She feels what you feel 50 times over. Her ridiculous eyes fill with tears when yours can't or won't.
She does absolutely EVERYTHING from the inside out with heart and instinct and humongous love.  She can't help it.  She wears her spirit on the outside when most of us keep it locked up inside. 
She gets sad.  She embraces it and feels it deeply. She works hard to understand it and soothe it.  She is introspective and insightful and never stops growing and facing her fears.  When most of us would shut down; when we would have a drink to drown the fear or anxiety she takes it head on in a cage match.
She seeks a grace filled God even when it means turning her back on a religion that enslaved her for 26 years.  This meant becoming a minority and abandoning a community that brought her casseroles when she was freshly post-pardum.  It meant being spiritually separated from her parents and sisters.  It meant allowing her family to believe she had fallen from grace.  She is brave.  The bravest person I know.  Anyone who faces demons the way she does would get sad some times.  Not only does she take care of her self, her two kids and her husband - she takes care of me.  And I don't say that lightly.

She takes me shopping so I don't come home with 10 brown shirts that should have been discontinued in 1974.
She taught me to put my make up on like a real live adult woman instead of a 10th grader who just got her first 'wet n wild' eyeliner.
If she finds a new kind of cookie while grocery shopping, she buys an extra box for me.
She gives me her Similac coupons.
She packs an extra swim suit for me when we go anywhere because she knows I will forget.
She tells me I am beautiful at the EXACT right time.
She lets me talk about my ugliest feelings without judging me or telling me I am being ugly.
She doesn't care that I have sailor mouth even though she doesn't.
She drives 70 miles to my house when my husband is out of town.
She gives my kids baths even though she has two of her own.
She went to my scary prenatal appointments with me when Brady couldn't - even though she was pregnant too.
She sits next to me on the couch and watches trashy TV while we eat cake (not slices of cake, but one whole cake between us - each of us armed with a fork)
She sent me flowers when I got my MA (the only person who got me flowers - not whining, just illustrating how she is)
She sends me a text every single day to connect.
She holds me accountable to take care of myself.
She encourages me to be a good wife and mother
She makes me feel better about having a 3.5 year old who isn't potty trained (because hers isn't either)
We endured TWO pregnancies together.  (Alex (hers) born Jan. 2010 - Rex (mine) born March 2010)  Felix (mine) born March 2013 - Theo (hers) born May 3013.
We shared Zofran and commiserated about throwing up and back aches and the grossness of pregnancy when our husbands couldn't hear one more word.
She talks to me about things a girl just cant talk to her husband about.
At some point, we realize that our husbands just CAN'T be our everything - there are just some roles they can't play in our lives.  We must have portions of this cup filled elsewhere.  This is my Sara.  She fills my cup.

The reason I write this is because I am losing her and I am not handling it well.
Her husband has been offered a job in Oregon
I throw up when I think about it.  Not figuratively.  Literally.  I throw up.

I realize that a lot of the people who may read this (although I have not yet decided if I am just venting for my own benefit or if I will share) are from somewhere north of San Francisco and west of Utah.  You may or may not realize that we north-westerners are a unique breed.  I didn't know this until I moved to Utah.  Regardless of where you fall religiously or politically - your views on race or your financial standing - there is something we all have in common.  I cant pin point it.  It's under our skin - like pine sap - or pacific breeze - or the "spirit of the Sierra Nevada's - but what ever it is - it's not in Utah.  (I am in no way saying Utah doesn't have its own merit.  Its gorgeous and full of amazing values and breath taking landscapes and my HUSBAND is here - he is definitely a Utah plus.  There is PLENTY to love here - including my LDS friends who've taught me that Christ is So much bigger than denomination).  All this to say - I still feel like I am a little different.  I just do LIFE differently.  I do life like a Northern Californian.  I don't know what it means - but I know it means "different"  - not bad or good.

There is a part of me that is misunderstood.  Like a mole on my face - it just sets me apart.  I am both proud of that and terribly isolated by it. 

Last week, my husband and I visited my family in California.  My cup was so full. 
My family is struggling - financially mostly.  Things are upturned and the outcomes are unknown and stressful - but there is this tangible sense of peace and community.  Not just in them because they are them.  But in the air.  In the actual AIR.  This unshakable sense that things are okay.  Even when they're not.  Like the Pinion Pines are their sentries.

When we left I was sad.  I am always sad when we leave.  But I chose Utah. I chose Brady because I love him intensely.  I love my home and my kids - and my friends.  But it hit me that soon I will be returning to a Utah without Sara.  Sara is my pinion pine.

I feel terribly faithless writing this.  I KNOW God will take care of me.  But that doesn't make me less afraid and sad.  I know this gives me an opportunity to lean against His throne.  I KNOW this will give me an opportunity to renew my faith in Brady to fill my cup and draw close to him in a way I have not done before.  But I am scared.  And Oh, so sad.  (and a little pissed at her husband - sorry Evan.  I totally get this is an opportunity you can't refuse)  And I feel jealous that she is going to the North West.  She will thrive there.  She was meant to be an Oregonian.  She will find a spiritual community that will get her.  I am so happy that she will be in a place where she will be embraced for being her soul searching self.

I am not confident I will find a friend who I can look in the face and talk to like I talk to Sara.  I am grateful for texts and phones and computers and I rely on them every day to maintain my most intimate friendships. 

I cry when Rex wakes up and says (before he even opens his eyes)  "I have fun with Awex".
I hate the way I feel.  I hate that I am being selfish and jealous and that Brady has to feel like he isn't enough for me.  That isn't really the truth.  He is enough.  But a gal needs more than a husband.  Especially a gal that is fed by intimate friendships.  Not just pals.  But heart-sharers.

I'm looking for peace.  I am looking for a way to be encouraging and excited for her (and my) new chapter - but this negativity is swarming around me like an irritating fly. 

Lord, grant me peace and teach me to see outside my own feelings and trust you with all of us.  Evan, Sara, Alex, Theo, Rex, Felix, Brady and ME.

rain…. rain

I was pretty grouchy today. There was no reason. I mean, I could list the things that are bugging me; but none of them warrant grouchiness… okay if you INSIST that I list them, Iwill. A fair warning though, its pretty dang whiney.

My dog is in heat and changing her diaper is a little inconvenient.

It rained today so we have gates up so the wet dogs don’t get on any carpet. I find it difficult to step over gates with a baby in my arms.

Due to the sogginess of the world outside, the cuffs of my pants are wet - which makes my pants bottom heavy and they sag and I step on the bottoms when I walk, making the gate scaling even more frustrating (not as frustrating though as wet dog + carpet)

New puppy likes to do figure 8’s around my feet while I walk – add this to above issue. irritating (only on days when I left my sense of humor snuggled in bed when I woke up)

I didn’t find what I wanted whilst shopping.

I forgot Brady’s order when I picked up the Chinese food and felt guilty, but acted mean.

I forgot to grab the movie and ice cream for movie and ice cream night

I think I saw a mosquito bite Rex’s eyelid and didn’t get there in time to save him.

I am trying to counter all these thoughts with the “other side” – like: I love my dogs and I would be sad if I didn’t have them and changing diapers and putting up gates is just part of having dogs and babies.

I WENT shopping. FUN. Shopping is fun! And I did find some things. Just not THE things.

I made a second trip for the movie and ice cream, and really, what kind of jackass is grouchy while watching movies and eating ice cream.

My chinese food order was big enough to feed both of us.

But really… the things that should brighten my mood are the following:

ONE: ridiculous view while taking diapers out to the garbage

And sleepy Rex in his bumbo while I washed bottles

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vinyard.
She sets about her work vigerously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes lined garments and sells them, and supplies the merchantsn with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.



** sigh ** someday.


Maybe I will have servant girls and a vinyard. ;)

carrots

what the what?  what is this?

Nope… don’t like it. 

Stop mom, seriously.  Get it out of, and off of, my face.

 

I’M NOT JOKING!!

The official end of an era

The size one diapers will be retired like a jersey.

4th of July!

  Brady and I loaded the dog and the baby and more gear  than we have ever needed before (welcome to parenthood) into the car and headed out.  We drove 500 miles (only stopping once to pee, eat and change a diaper).  I would consider that a HUGE success being the first time we have road tripped with Rex.  Anywho – here are some tidbits: 

Bea, dying to sit in Brady’s lap… just for a second!!!

Bea the wonder-dog had some SERIOUS energy to spend upon arrival, and deserved a dip in Lake Davis.  She found the perfect stick and got to it.

 

 

This is the house where I was built.  It smells just as piney as it looks.  Lucky me!!!

 

  The Cousins.

Ignore the red mark on Rex’s face.   No, I don’t know what it is – he is fine, I promise.

 

 

annnnnnnnnnnnnnd… the mother of the year IS…..   ME!

Turns out that Rex’s stroller can hold TWO beers.   We took him to the fire works… and you know what?  Beer, babies and fireworks work together a lot better than one would anticipate!

Abby is learning to blow bubbles.  She was determined to show me --

 

 

 

 

 

…no bubble.   maybe next time.

What’s a trip home without a visit to the Mohawk Tavern!?  Dollars on the ceiling….  fish on the wall.  Makes perfect sense after a few of the drinks they pour.

A sister, an old friend and a new one!

Serena (next door neighbor for my WHOLE childhood)

Kristin (my sister)

and Carl – my sister’s wet blanket.  (hehe)  He likes to be called her husband though.

Grandma holding Rex at the Loyalton parade.  Best parade ever.  Not only do they throw dog treats AND candy (Bea was pretty excited)  they come by TWICE.  I guess that is what happens when you have a parade in a town of less than 1000 people.  And what is a holiday in the summer without PUPPIES?!?!  We snuggled these lil guys after the parade on our walk back to my Grandma’s house.  Tradition states firmly that after the parade, but before the pick nick, one must walk to Grandma’s house for a pb & mayo sandwich (nope, not kidding)  Brady was a party pooper. 

 

Meet Leland and Phyllis.  My Grandparents. 

more to come on them later. 

And I almost forgot~

After my night of "ideal wifing and mothering" I woke up and was greeted with this....